FEAR OF MONSTERS
By Jonathan H. Gerard, PhD
Taking Aim At Night-Time Fears
It is a common phenomenon of childhood to develop a fear of monsters for a brief period of time, usually between the ages of three and eight—inevitably at bedtime. Parents need to be careful, when responding to this fear, not, inadvertently, to reinforce it. As we think about a solution to this “problem” we want to be careful not to create an even greater problem.
This means that you should not seek to ameliorate a child’s fears by doing anything that will encourage that fear. For example:
- Do not tell a child that, if he or she is afraid of a monster, he or she may delay bedtime and come sit with you, the parent, for a while. This will just teach a child how to get to stay up later with you—without helping to reduce his or her fear.
- Do not sit with your child in her bedroom, keeping her company until she falls asleep. Over time, you’ll find yourself a prisoner of her bedroom.
- Do not let your child sleep in your bedroom. That, too, will become a problem that outlives the “monster.”
Also, do not deny your child’s “reality” by denying the existence of monsters. You won’t convince him and in the process you’ll only make yourself seem ignorant and irrelevant in his eyes. But at the same time, do not openly lie to your child, confirming a belief in monsters that you do not share.
We have found these two solutions to be of value—the first for younger children, the second for older. Try them in this order. With luck and pluck, you won’t even need the second one—so you can hold it in reserve in case a fear of monsters returns.
FOR THE YOUNGER CHILD
1. With a gleam in your eye and a smile on your face, tell your child that she has nothing to fear. You have a can of “Monster Spray” that your mother (father) used when you were her age. Say, “Wait here while I get it.” (Only adults will note the irony of the command “wait here”. What else would a child in bed do?)
Then get a spray bottle with some water in it or a plant water mister or some such. Wait 5-10 minutes before returning. Bring the can or bottle into your child’s room. If she is asleep (this often happens while she’s safely waiting for your return) save the solution for the next time she complains and proceed as follows. If she’s still awake, do this now:
Say, “This Monster Spray ‘repels’ all monsters. They can't get past it. I’m going to spray the windows and doors with it so that they cannot come into your room. But I have to tell you, It only works for three days. Remind me to spray again in three days.”
Then spray the entire outline of every window and doorway into the room. Remember to spray a line across the the bottom of the doorway and both around the closet and under the bed! Spray lightly, though thoroughly so your child can see the spray being applied. (Obviosuly, don't spray anything that will be toxic to your child. Do not use a cleaning spray as these usually contain harmful chemicals.)
Your child will now feel safe and affirmed and fall asleep. Note that the gleam and smile we mentioned at the start are important. In her fear your child may not notice this body language and will, instead, respond to your verbal cues and real actions. But with hindsight, once the fear is outgrown, your child will recall your affect and come to understand this response of yours as making a fun game of a problem while totally detoxifying it. In this way you will not risk losing the trust of your child.
Also note that the point is to allay the fear without inviting it back. Let your child remind you when it's time to spray again - don't bring up the subject unless she brings it to you.
A SECOND SOLUTION for older children or to use if the first one fails—is this: After you tuck your child into bed, tell him that you, too, worried about monsters when you "lived in _________" (make it a different place than where you live now so that it seems as far away as possible). Give him the bottle of Monster-Spray (or a water-pistol filled with monster-spray) and explain that "this enabled me to sleep safely. No monster ever made it out of my house alive."
Your child will soon fall asleep, quickly loosing his grip from the monster “weapon”, knowing he now has some control over his fear. Leave the weapon in his room for as long as he needs it. Do not remind him of it or initiate a discussion of monsters.
Do not remind him of his fears. Do not risk embarrassing him of a fear that may only recently have been real, but which now is outgrown. Never take credit for helping your child overcome his or her fear. This diminishes self-esteem. It is your child who found a way through the fear. If he or she brings it up at some point in the future, praise his ability to overcome it relatively quickly. Normalize it by pointing out that all children have a fear of monsters “when they are young.”
You can spend a lot of energy trying to figure out why your child suddenly developed a fear of monsters. We recommend you spend your energy on more personally useful tasks. It does not matter what the origin of the fear is, so long as you can help your child overcome it without raising your own anxiety level and without replacing the problem with a greater one. The tools we recommend (spray, golf club) are the implements by which your child will overcome his fear by himself.
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