Handling Separation Anxiety
Tips For Easing The Transition

By MaryAnn X. Meddish, CPN
reprinted with permission from the autor and
The International Nanny Association - INA

As the new school year gets into gear, many parents and caregivers of preschoolers and kindergartners may discover that their little ones are not adjusting well to change – or the idea of being away from their caregiver. Experts agree that separation anxiety is a dilemma faced by scores of parents and nannies around the world. Some children are likely to adjust on their own. Others may experience more difficulty adjusting to change – even after the first few weeks of school. With some guidance, your charge can overcome separation anxiety.

According to experts, separation anxiety is overcome when a child develops a sense of self-confidence. Last fall, each time I dropped off my cute and social 20-month old at school, he melted into a puddle. This behavior lasted for about a month and then one day he surprised me as he ran into the classroom and yelled “goo-bye” over his shoulder. But for some children, gaining confidence and adjusting is not so easy.

Here are some ideas for smoothing the transition to school:

Instill a Sense of Independence
Children who cling and hide behind you when you talk to a stranger will likely need some help adjusting to their new environment. During your charge’s time away from school, gently nudge him into independence. For example, I gave my toddlers money and coached them on how to make a purchase from a store clerk. I allowed them to practice being independent by taking them to various stores to complete a few tasks by themselves. Standing nearby, I watched as they purchased bread from the bakery, M&Ms from the store and paid for postage at the post office. After successfully completing a task, I praised them for doing such a great job.

Completing simple tasks such as these can help to instill a sense of independence and foster positive self-esteem. In my experience, it is beneficial to teach independence by starting with baby steps. Consider allowing your charge play alone in a room. If the child is not comfortable playing alone, prepare to join in by asking them to retrieve something from another room. I would say: “Please go to the play room, get a red Duplo and show it to me.” When they return with item I would say, “Beautiful! Now, please go put a green one on top of this one and come show me.” I suggest repeating this process until the little one is comfortable accomplishing these small play tasks on their own. Soon, the child will be confident enough to go to the play room and build a structure with blocks, or draw a picture for you – all on their own.

Handling Drop-Off and Pick-Up
During drop-off, as parents and caregivers give their little ones goodbye hugs, it is not uncommon to see them ignore the tears and heart tugs that follow. The consensus is that children generally settle in and participate once they realize their caregiver isn’t around. The child usually gets distracted by playing and will only occasionally realize their parent or care provider isn’t there. That is, until the first adult arrives for pick-up. Then, a child who suffers from separation anxiety will likely want their adult too! As children form a bond with their teachers and classmates, and begin to become familiar with the new routine, they tend to grow more comfortable with the idea of being dropped off. However, until your young one reaches that stage, prepare for some heart tugs during drop-off and pick-up times. Here are some solutions:

• Create a Drop-Off Routine
  Consider doing the same thing every morning and create your own special way of saying good-bye. Walk your child to the classroom, greet the teacher, help put the backpack away, and plan to kiss your child and say “I love you, have a good day” as you walk out. Avoid sneaking out. Instead, attempt to make the drop-off short and sweet. Avoid lingering around the classroom to have a discussion with the teacher. It’s important that teachers focus on getting the class settled and involved in an activity. On the same note, if you do chat with someone, plan to have your conversations in the hallway to ensure you are not a distraction.
  
  
• Acknowledge your child’s Feelings or Fears
  If your child cries or seems anxious, let him/her know it’s OK to feel that way. Validating a child’s feelings and fears is one more way to help build their confidence and self-esteem.
  
  
• Pack a “lovey” item to comfort your child
  Ask the teacher if personal ‘lovey’ items are permitted in class. If they are, pack a small comfort item like stuffed animal, blanket or towel into your child’s bag. Be sure to let the teacher know your child has a special item that will help to provide comfort after you leave. If the school prohibits ‘lovey’ items, pack a small family photo instead.
  
  
• Get to Know Classmates
  Get to know a few of the parents who have kids in the same grade level at the school and arrange a play date. If you receive a class list, contact some or all of the class members’ parents to orchestrate a class play-date at a nearby park or at your home to help the children and adults become acquainted. Your child will likely begin to feel more comfortable, both in school and out, as s/he becomes more familiar with new friends.
  
  
• Build Anticipation
  Talk your child and read stories about what school will be like. Talk about the new friends he or she will play with and the fun things they will do. Visit the school’s playground to make it a familiar place and involve your child in selecting school supplies. If possible, meet the teachers and visit the classroom before school starts – take advantage of the orientation sessions that many schools offer.

Remember that the separation anxiety that comes with going to school is a normal stage of development. Every child will eventually master this stage and become comfortable away from their parents and care providers.

Ms. Meddish offers insight from more than 20 years of nanny experience. She is a graduate of the Northwest Nannies Institute in Portland, OR; and a graduate of Starkey Institute’s SANP program in Denver, CO.

Related Books For Chldren:
"The Bus Stop" by Janet Morgan Stoeke
"How Do Dinosaurs Go To School?" by Jane Yolen
"Yellowbelly and plum Go To School" by Nathan Hale

8 SIGNS OF A GREAT NANNY & BABYSITTER
How To Know If You've Snagged Mary Poppins
from MSN

1. Your child lights up at the first sight of her. Kids look forward to the time they spend with their nanny if she's warm, caring, and patient. And you're doubly in luck if it's not just the kids who like having her around. "I consider myself very lucky to have my nanny," says Toni Lewis, a Los Angeles architect. "If she weren't my nanny, I could see being friends with her."

2. Your kids can't stop talking about all the wonderful things she says and does. You may find a caregiver who can do everything well, but if she truly enjoys being in the company of children, your kids will know it. Her love will shine through every day she's with your child.

3. She comes up with creative solutions to problems and works with you to provide the best possible care for your child. If your child has run out of paint, for example, she'll find some household supplies your child can use to fashion an objet d'art. If your child isn't sleeping, she'll turn to you for advice and help. It shows that she takes her job seriously when she both takes initiative and collaborates with you.

4. She arrives on time. Other signs she's reliable: She gives you ample warning when she's unable to care for your child because of an emergency, and even helps you find a substitute caregiver. She's considerate of your needs and respects the terms of your contract. "My nanny was always there at our agreed-upon time," says Kirsi Tikki, a professor from Port Washington, New York. "If she was sick, she let me know right away."

5. She makes an effort to stay connected. A nanny who takes her job seriously will keep you informed of daily activities by writing you notes, filling out a daily report, or setting aside some time for the two of you to catch up. She'll understand that you'll want to know how your child is doing, and will keep you abreast of any problems, big or small.

6. Your child volunteers new songs and words, and shows off his many projects. The best nannies are aware of and cherish children's curiosity. They'll try to answer questions, elicit imaginative responses, and think up creative ways to teach new skills. And because his activities are so much fun, your child will want to display his prowess.
   
7. Your child's room is clean, and so is your child. Excellent care includes cleanliness and good health. Your nanny will practice good hygiene around your child if she truly has his welfare in mind.

8. Accidents are infrequent. A good nanny makes safety a priority at home and on the road. She'll hold your child's hand when they cross a street on the way to the park, keep the safety gate to the kitchen closed at all times, and buckle up your child in the car seat.

THE CARE & FEEDING OF YOUR NANNY
[anonymous]

A nanny is NOT a housekeeper. These ads posted for a nanny/housekeeper are ridiculous! It's like hiring a nurse/gardener! Would you ask your landscaper to reorganize your garage? If so, that's ridiculous! He may use tools that you keep there, but his skill set and work is not related to organizing a garage. Similarly, just because a nanny works in the house all day does not mean she should be cleaning it. I realize some people want to limit the amount of "outsiders" in the house, and while that is understandable, it's ridiculous to ask your nanny to clean the house.

Many of you want someone educated that can help develop your child's mind. You'd like someone cultured that can encourage your child(ren) to explore what New York has to offer and who can teach them proper etiquette. You'd like this person to help your child with homework and school projects. Often these people are college educated. You're hiring people with Bachelor's and Master's degrees, often people with educations not far off from yours (maybe they didn't go to an Ivy League School because they didn't come from advantage, but they are well educated, nonetheless). It is an insult to ask these people to scrub your toilet. I don't care if you add $10,000 to the yearly salary. It's ridiculous.

I am a parent who has a wonderful relationship with the nanny who has been with our family for four years now. Before her, we went through several nannies. I believe we made mistakes in our search before, and I want to share our knowledge with parents I believe are making similar mistakes. Everyone should be as lucky as we are with Eva, our nanny.

What I Learned (the hard way)...

1. Separate the cleaning from the caring
Hire someone to come in two or three times a week to clean. It's not expensive. I see parents offering 50K to their nannies. Take 7K out, and you can pay a terrific housekeeper to come in a few times per week. Most good nannies won't mind tidying (putting dishes in the sink or dishwasher, picking up after the kids - teaching them to pick up after themselves - and leaving a room generally neat after using it.

However, you're better off paying someone to clean floors, windows, blinds, curtains, do laundry, vacuum, dust, and clean the kitchens and bathrooms. Your nanny will be able to focus on the childcare.

We ask Eva to do general tidying (as mentioned above). We also ask her to do the grocery shopping and run household related errands. Trust me, she has PLENTY to do while the kids are in school. She grocery shops, goes to the tailor, the shoemaker, the drugstore, the library, the dry cleaner's, etc. She also cooks on nights when my husband and I work late. (We don't ask for gourmet meals, just healthy, tasty ones.) She uses the time while the kids are at school to prepare the meals, so that when dinnertime comes, only the actual cooking needs to be done. (Thus, she can focus more on the kids and less on cooking.)

Some days she has free time while the kids are at school. This is not horrible, and I don't feel cheated. She works very hard and makes our lives a lot less stressful, so I'm content. Eva works 10- 14 hour days, so I think it's good for her to have some down time. If she ends up with three free hours, what does that mean? She only worked 7- 11 hours that day? I certainly do not feel cheated.

2. Hire someone with a college education who speaks fluent English
Before Eva, we had several people, and I noticed my children's speech and vocabulary getting worse and worse. I wasn't thrilled with the fact that when I couldn't be home to do their homework with them, they went into school with tons of mistakes on it. Eva sits with them and when they get something wrong, she explains why it is incorrect and guides them towards the right answer, never telling outright. My children do very well in all of their subjects. She helps them brainstorm to come up with interesting and exciting science and social studies projects. She reads to them in a great variety of voices and accents. Even though my third grader reads on a sixth grade level, he loves listening to her stories! We have a twelve year old, and Eva keeps a good eye on her. She tells us the "real scoop" on which boys our daughter is interested in, which kids move "too fast," etc. Because she's young, the kids don't put their guard up as much around her, and she sees and hears a lot more than most parents!

3. Make sure you pay her enough so that she can live nearby
Choose a nanny who CAN stay over with notice if you need her to, but is live out.

After a string of nannies arriving late (not always their fault, sometimes the MTA IS unreliable), and being exhausted from the commute, we tried a live in situation. My husband and I missed the privacy. There are advantages to both live in and live out. So, we set up a space where a nanny could stay over if she needed to. Then, we looked at what rents were within a half hour commute of our house. We figured out the cost of living out within a half hour of our house, and based our nanny's salary on that.

Suddenly, the quality of applicants improved drastically. Eva is a certified teacher. It just makes more sense for her to work as a nanny. Friends of ours saw how well our situation was working out, and they bought a studio twenty minutes away for their nanny. They subtracted 15K- 20K from their original salary offer. They have a great nanny too. Their nanny has a degree from Wellesley, and is very sweet.

The point is, our nannies live close. They stay over if it's needed, but they have their own private space to have guests and alone time, and we have our space to have quiet life as a family (or on rare occasions when all the kids are out, as a couple). Everyone is much happier, and there's no underlying resentment on anyone's part.

4. Treat your nanny as family
You want your nanny to treat your kids as if they were her own (or better), so treat her like family. We offer Eva the opportunity to come on some family outings and trips (not all). We give her proper paid vacation time. She gets medical and dental benefits. She gets a cost of living increase (so that in [one year] she won't be making less than she was in [the previos year], which would be the case if we paid her the same amount). We offer her investment advice (she'd like to buy a home in a few years).

But the thing that's made the MOST difference is accepting that she is a person with a life. My sister-in-law first gave me the idea. She said that she noticed she had less trouble getting Saturday night sitters when she said they could bring a friend over. I have gotten heat from people for saying this before. I realize that I don't know who Eva is bringing into my house. But I trust her judgment. Otherwise I wouldn't leave her with my children. So, occasionally (not frequently), she'll have a friend over for a tea in the afternoon. We've made it okay for her boyfriend to stop by briefly. When her sister was in town, she would stop by the house in-between sightseeing. As a result, Eva is in no rush to leave our house at the end of the day. She doesn't feel trapped.

The idea is, make the workplace a social, happy place, and productivity improves.

5. Don't be jealous of your nanny.
This is the toughest piece of advice. I sometimes am envious of all the time Eva spends with my kids.

But because of her, I don't stress when there's traffic. I know she'll be there when I get home. I don't have to deal with details like whether my blazer will be dry cleaned for tomorrow's meeting. It always will. I don't have to worry if my daughter is off somewhere doing who knows what in someone's basement. Eva keeps tabs on her. When my husband and I come home, we spend quality time with our kids. We don't deal with the stressful details of daily life that we used to deal with. We talk and play and relax together.

Yes, it costs us a lot more than it used to cost us. There are even some things we couldn't do because we have Eva. But our lives are so much better because of her.