Ending Daycare Crying
By Jonathan H. Gerard, PhD

A crying child inevitably has the effect of making a parent feel guilty for leaving him or her with a babysitter or when dropping the child off at day care. To solve this problem one might consider two important truths.

First, the tears may make a parent feel guilty, or regretful, but unjustifiably so. Most likely, whatever it is the parent is about to do is something at least indirectly necessary for the well-being of the child, whether it is going to work or shopping or to a class or a meeting.

Feeling guilt may lead to showing regret and showing regret ultimately reinforces the child's tears. A parent who gingerly continues on his or her mission will quickly extinguish such behavior rather than reward it. But who among us has easily been able to do this? Truth number one: you needn't feel guilty for leaving a child behind if the reason is legitimate and the child is left in good hands.

Second, the child's tears have a purpose and that purpose is not to express pain. It is to change your behavior. At the risk of minimizing the child's feelings or sounding cynical, I suggest that the child is, at some level, seeking to manipulate the about-to-leave parent into not leaving.

I say this only because manipulation is a strategy you can win. You are smarter and more clever than your child -- at least for now.

Here's what to do to extinguish that transitional crying that comes with separation. As your car begins to approach the day care center (or as you are getting ready to leave the house) look earnestly into your child's eyes and say, 'I know it upsets you when I leave (you at day care) and that's ok. I used to cry, too, when my Mom left me to go to work (or school, or to go 'out'). Crying is a way to tell me you're unhappy about it. I understand. So if you want to cry, this is a good time to start. We are almost there. (Or, 'I'm almost ready to leave.')' Urge your child to cry. Practice a few times until you can say it with conviction and confidence.

Instead of trying to get your child not to cry, encourage him or her to cry. If you do this, you will be letting the child know that crying is not going to change your mind or your schedule. There will no longer be any reason to cry and at some pre-conscious level he or she will realize that. The child may feel out-manipulated, and get angry with you, but he or she will not cry. Theorists of change call this 'symptom prescription' and it works to solve many problems.

Related Information:
WHEN BABY CAN'T STOP CRYING

Handling Separation Anxiety
Tips For Easing The Transition

By MaryAnn X. Meddish, CPN
reprinted with permission from the autor and
The International Nanny Association - INA

As the new school year gets into gear, many parents and caregivers of preschoolers and kindergartners may discover that their little ones are not adjusting well to change – or the idea of being away from their caregiver. Experts agree that separation anxiety is a dilemma faced by scores of parents and nannies around the world. Some children are likely to adjust on their own. Others may experience more difficulty adjusting to change – even after the first few weeks of school. With some guidance, your charge can overcome separation anxiety.

According to experts, separation anxiety is overcome when a child develops a sense of self-confidence. Last fall, each time I dropped off my cute and social 20-month old at school, he melted into a puddle. This behavior lasted for about a month and then one day he surprised me as he ran into the classroom and yelled “goo-bye” over his shoulder. But for some children, gaining confidence and adjusting is not so easy.

Here are some ideas for smoothing the transition to school:

Instill a Sense of Independence
Children who cling and hide behind you when you talk to a stranger will likely need some help adjusting to their new environment. During your charge’s time away from school, gently nudge him into independence. For example, I gave my toddlers money and coached them on how to make a purchase from a store clerk. I allowed them to practice being independent by taking them to various stores to complete a few tasks by themselves. Standing nearby, I watched as they purchased bread from the bakery, M&Ms from the store and paid for postage at the post office. After successfully completing a task, I praised them for doing such a great job.

Completing simple tasks such as these can help to instill a sense of independence and foster positive self-esteem. In my experience, it is beneficial to teach independence by starting with baby steps. Consider allowing your charge play alone in a room. If the child is not comfortable playing alone, prepare to join in by asking them to retrieve something from another room. I would say: “Please go to the play room, get a red Duplo and show it to me.” When they return with item I would say, “Beautiful! Now, please go put a green one on top of this one and come show me.” I suggest repeating this process until the little one is comfortable accomplishing these small play tasks on their own. Soon, the child will be confident enough to go to the play room and build a structure with blocks, or draw a picture for you – all on their own.

Handling Drop-Off and Pick-Up
During drop-off, as parents and caregivers give their little ones goodbye hugs, it is not uncommon to see them ignore the tears and heart tugs that follow. The consensus is that children generally settle in and participate once they realize their caregiver isn’t around. The child usually gets distracted by playing and will only occasionally realize their parent or care provider isn’t there. That is, until the first adult arrives for pick-up. Then, a child who suffers from separation anxiety will likely want their adult too! As children form a bond with their teachers and classmates, and begin to become familiar with the new routine, they tend to grow more comfortable with the idea of being dropped off. However, until your young one reaches that stage, prepare for some heart tugs during drop-off and pick-up times. Here are some solutions:

• Create a Drop-Off Routine
  Consider doing the same thing every morning and create your own special way of saying good-bye. Walk your child to the classroom, greet the teacher, help put the backpack away, and plan to kiss your child and say “I love you, have a good day” as you walk out. Avoid sneaking out. Instead, attempt to make the drop-off short and sweet. Avoid lingering around the classroom to have a discussion with the teacher. It’s important that teachers focus on getting the class settled and involved in an activity. On the same note, if you do chat with someone, plan to have your conversations in the hallway to ensure you are not a distraction.
  
  
• Acknowledge your child’s Feelings or Fears
  If your child cries or seems anxious, let him/her know it’s OK to feel that way. Validating a child’s feelings and fears is one more way to help build their confidence and self-esteem.
  
  
• Pack a “lovey” item to comfort your child
  Ask the teacher if personal ‘lovey’ items are permitted in class. If they are, pack a small comfort item like stuffed animal, blanket or towel into your child’s bag. Be sure to let the teacher know your child has a special item that will help to provide comfort after you leave. If the school prohibits ‘lovey’ items, pack a small family photo instead.
  
  
• Get to Know Classmates
  Get to know a few of the parents who have kids in the same grade level at the school and arrange a play date. If you receive a class list, contact some or all of the class members’ parents to orchestrate a class play-date at a nearby park or at your home to help the children and adults become acquainted. Your child will likely begin to feel more comfortable, both in school and out, as s/he becomes more familiar with new friends.
  
  
• Build Anticipation
  Talk your child and read stories about what school will be like. Talk about the new friends he or she will play with and the fun things they will do. Visit the school’s playground to make it a familiar place and involve your child in selecting school supplies. If possible, meet the teachers and visit the classroom before school starts – take advantage of the orientation sessions that many schools offer.

Remember that the separation anxiety that comes with going to school is a normal stage of development. Every child will eventually master this stage and become comfortable away from their parents and care providers.

Ms. Meddish offers insight from more than 20 years of nanny experience. She is a graduate of the Northwest Nannies Institute in Portland, OR; and a graduate of Starkey Institute’s SANP program in Denver, CO.

Related Books For Chldren:
"The Bus Stop" by Janet Morgan Stoeke
"How Do Dinosaurs Go To School?" by Jane Yolen
"Yellowbelly and plum Go To School" by Nathan Hale