CHALK DUST; A Conversation About Child Care and Parenting

Ending Daycare Crying
By Jonathan H. Gerard, PhD

A crying child inevitably has the effect of making a parent feel guilty for leaving him or her with a babysitter or when dropping the child off at day care. To solve this problem one might consider two important truths.

First, the tears may make a parent feel guilty, or regretful, but unjustifiably so. Most likely, whatever it is the parent is about to do is something at least indirectly necessary for the well-being of the child, whether it is going to work or shopping or to a class or a meeting.

Feeling guilt may lead to showing regret and showing regret ultimately reinforces the child's tears. A parent who gingerly continues on his or her mission will quickly extinguish such behavior rather than reward it. But who among us has easily been able to do this? Truth number one: you needn't feel guilty for leaving a child behind if the reason is legitimate and the child is left in good hands.

Second, the child's tears have a purpose and that purpose is not to express pain. It is to change your behavior. At the risk of minimizing the child's feelings or sounding cynical, I suggest that the child is, at some level, seeking to manipulate the about-to-leave parent into not leaving.

I say this only because manipulation is a strategy you can win. You are smarter and more clever than your child -- at least for now.

Here's what to do to extinguish that transitional crying that comes with separation. As your car begins to approach the day care center (or as you are getting ready to leave the house) look earnestly into your child's eyes and say, 'I know it upsets you when I leave (you at day care) and that's ok. I used to cry, too, when my Mom left me to go to work (or school, or to go 'out'). Crying is a way to tell me you're unhappy about it. I understand. So if you want to cry, this is a good time to start. We are almost there. (Or, 'I'm almost ready to leave.')' Urge your child to cry. Practice a few times until you can say it with conviction and confidence.

Instead of trying to get your child not to cry, encourage him or her to cry. If you do this, you will be letting the child know that crying is not going to change your mind or your schedule. There will no longer be any reason to cry and at some pre-conscious level he or she will realize that. The child may feel out-manipulated, and get angry with you, but he or she will not cry. Theorists of change call this 'symptom prescription' and it works to solve many problems.

Related Information:
WHEN BABY CAN'T STOP CRYING